Archives for March 2019

To the Woman Who is Waiting

March 10, 2019 Leave a Comment

Sweet friend, I see you. I see you grieving as you scroll social media, watching all of your friends have the very thing that you desire the most. I see your pain at the memory of your sweet child born to heaven. Or your pain as you wait for what seems like forever to even see those two pink lines. I see you with each month that passes. I see you as you track your cycles with meticulous accuracy, taking your temperature and wasting hours Googling symptoms.

I see you as you count down the days. I see you as you take test after test, holding them up to the light and convincing yourself that you see a faint line. I see you as you make plans for how you will tell your spouse and family, thinking SURELY this is your month! I see you as your dreams are shattered when the harsh reality hits that it will not be happening this time around. I see you as you watch those hopes bleed away. I see you as you pick yourself up and steel yourself to start the vicious circle all over again.

I see you when you feel like you are losing your mind. When you feel like maybe you should just give up. When the fertility medicine doesn’t seem to be working. When you hate your body for betraying you and making it so damn hard, when it is so easy for everyone else.

I see you when your friends announce a pregnancy and it crushes your heart. I see you when you wrestle with jealousy. I see you when you feel the overwhelming weight of guilt over that jealousy and wonder why on earth you can’t just be happy for your loved ones? I see you when people ask when you are having children, and its all you can do not to burst into tears.

I see you on Mother’s Day. I see you on your due date. I see you as you attend baby showers and birthday parties. I see you when you struggle with being content with what you have.

I see you. I see you because I was you. I may have my beautiful rainbow baby now, but I have not forgotten where you are. I promise that one day, it will all work out. But until then, you are known, you are loved and you are not forgotten, even if only by me.

Coping After Miscarriage

March 7, 2019 4 Comments

Grief and loss are a very personal thing, and no two people deal with them the same way. This post is in no way me giving you a magic pill for how to grieve. Rather it is me sharing what carried me through the darkest valley of my life and the things that pulled me through that dark place. (If you are just joining us, you can read more about our miscarriage here.)

First of all, don’t you dare let ANYONE tell you how to deal with your loss. If you choose to keep it private, that is completely normal and okay! I personally chose to share our story with the world in hopes that I could be a light to others that were going through the same thing, and I am very glad I did. God brought me to this place for a season and for a reason, and helping others has given it meaning. But I will offer one word of caution- people will give you advice, some great and some bad. People will try to say things to help but they will say the wrong things. It will sting at times. Public or private, that is your personal choice. I found a lot of relief in talking about it.

The second thing I will tell you is to take your time and allow yourself to feel those feelings. No matter how early or late in the pregnancy your miscarriage was, you still lost a child. You lost your hopes and dreams for that child and your life together. Never, ever let anyone tell you it was not a loss. Unfortunately, the only way to get past grief is to walk through the mud. Allow yourself time. Allow yourself space to deal with your emotions. Seek closure.

When my heart was ready, I sat down and surrounded myself with things that brought me comfort. A fresh salted caramel candle, a warm caramel apple spice drink (get my recipe here!), a cozy blanket and some chocolate (because that makes all things a little easier). I decided to finish up my baby’s journal. Obviously I couldn’t fill the entire pregnancy out, but I did what I could. And then I wrapped it up by writing my child a goodbye letter. I got all of my thoughts and feelings out on paper and I felt the weight lifting as I wrote through my tears. I had been carrying them heavy in my heart and it felt like a release getting them off of my chest. I highly recommend this, be it in a journal or just a letter that you can write and seal. When I was finished, I boxed up all of the things that I associated with this pregnancy (tests, ultrasounds, cards, a little stuffed animal, this journal, etc) and placed that box under my nightstand. It kept things close enough for those moments when I just wanted to look at it all and feel, but out of sight so that I could actually function.

I sought out and found a few quotes that were helpful for my heart and kept those nearby. I leaned in to friends and family who had been where I was. I leaned in to my husband. Please, don’t forget your husband in your grief. In most cases, he is grieving just as much as you are but may not show it in the same way.

I spent a lot of time angry, but I think that is part of it that you just have to work through. There isn’t a wrong way to grieve, it’s something we all must do. It’s part of life.

I spent weeks scouring Pinterest for ways to honor my sweet babe. What I ultimately landed on was getting a tiny heart tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It seemed like the best way to keep my baby with me forever, because they will always be a part of me. Maybe tattoos aren’t your cup of tea? I have listed a few other ideas that I loved below! If you have experienced loss and feel led, share with us what you did in the comments.

Plant a tree in your baby’s honor. Or an entire garden!
Create a keepsake box (I personally did this!) that you keep in a special place.
Make (or buy) an ornament for your Christmas tree. I was gifted one and it is very special to us!
Write a letter to your baby. Share your feelings. Express your love and your pain.
Release a balloon or sky lantern. I have seen some tie their letter to their baby to these.
Have a custom jewelry piece made with a special quote, your baby’s due date, or even their name if you had given them one. My sister created me the piece in the photo at the top of this page and it is very precious to me.
Create a shadow box, if you feel like having a daily visual would help you! For me, having it in my face was too painful, but I love the idea.
Have a photographer do a special, private photoshoot to capture your unique experience.
Get involved! Share your story. Find organizations that support other moms in the same situation. Volunteer or raise funds. Honor your baby with a legacy.
Make a playlist that helps you cope and listen to it in those moments when you need it the most.

Spaghetti Squash Pizza (2B Mindset Approved!)

March 6, 2019 Leave a Comment

Okay hear me out. Slow your scroll. I know… vegetable pizza sounds gross. Trust me, I would have turned my nose up at it too before I saw how fantastic the 2B Mindset program is! I was determined to find ways to eat our favorite comfort foods, but do it in a healthy fashion that supported my continued weight loss. After scouring the internet and mixing about 5 different recipes, I finally came up with something all my own that my pizza-loving husband actually thinks is amazing, too! That’s a huge win in my book!

I will share my secrets with you! Let me know, have you tried something similar? Or if you try this, comment and tell me how it went! I would love to hear!

Spaghetti Squash Pizza

Servings: 2-4 (depending on your squash size)
Time: 30 mins
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Ingredients:

One Large Spaghetti Squash
Grated Parmesan Cheese
Oregano (to taste)
1 large egg
Your favorite Pizza Sauce
Mozzarella Cheese (approx 1.5 cups)
Desired Pizza toppings

Preheat your oven to 400. Cook your squash in the microwave while the oven preheats.
Once squash is done, scrape out the spaghetti into a large bowl.
Mix in a handful of Parmesan cheese, some oregano to taste, and one egg.
Press into a dough on a parchment lined pizza pan or baking sheet and put in the oven for approximately 10 mins, or until the edges start to brown.
Remove pan and flip crust (I used another lined pan for this) and put it back in the oven for 5 mins.
Remove crust and top with sauce, cheese and desired toppings!
Return to oven and cook until everything is melty and starting to brown just a bit, About another 5-10 mins.
Enjoy!!

The Discipline of Rest

March 5, 2019 Leave a Comment

I titled this post “the discipline” of rest because I truly believe that in today’s world of constant going and striving and to-do lists, we do have to discipline ourselves to pause. If you are in the workforce, weekends are your time to get everything done that you can’t during the week. If you are a stay-at-home mom, your job never stops either. If you are self-employed like I am, it is so easy to fall into a pattern of feeling like you have to constantly be answering messages and emails or creating content.

I fell into this pace after Addilyn was born. I was wearing about 50 hats (who are we kidding, I still am!), and was wearing them all…ALL. THE. TIME. I never took them off. I was caring for and struggling to breastfeed a newborn, trying to keep our house out of disaster, working for our church, running my boutique , launching my Etsy store, helping my husband run our struggling frozen yogurt shop and just barely surviving. I was dealing with a little bit of Post-partum depression and to be honest, I was tired. I wanted to give up everything and just snuggle my baby 24/7. I had a virtually non-existent relationship with Jesus because I was just too dang busy.

Maybe you are in this same place. You are worn ragged. You have no time to catch your breath. You are spinning your wheels and getting nowhere at all. Your soul is aching from the dry place that you are operating out of and you are about to quit because your own strength is almost gone. Sweet friend, let me share with you something that Jesus told me!

One morning, I forced myself to sit down and read a devotional by Lysa TerKeurst (she is my favorite!) and she talked about this very issue. Addie was being particularly content, so I unwound the leather cord and opened my treasured bible that had hardly gotten any attention from me lately and began to read. It was like Jesus grabbed my face in His hands and looked straight into my soul.

“Come to me, I will give you rest.”

– Matthew 11:28 –

I wasn’t sure exactly how, but I knew in that moment that I needed rest. And wouldn’t you know that for the next week or two, almost every devotional I read, Facebook post I stumbled across and verse I picked up on was about the importance of sabbath rest and how God will honor it. This verse in the New Living Translation in particular kept echoing in my heart.

“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to His loved ones.”

– Psalm 127:2 –

Is this saying that we should not work? Not at all! We absolutely should use our hands, gifts and talents. But we don’t have to wear ourselves ragged running at a breakneck pace. We can sit back and rest in His promise to care for us.

So I determined in my heart that I was going to get back to what God’s own people did to work hard 6 days a week, setting aside Sundays to truly rest. Let me tell you, the first few weeks it was HARD you guys! I sat on the sofa during nap time feeling completely lost. Like I should be doing something. My to-do list rattled around in my head. I had to discipline myself and remind myself that this was not just okay, it was good and necessary. I still have to remind myself sometimes that I need to stop and relax. But you know what? I started having a quiet time! I got to take naps! I read a book for fun for the first time in months. I had some face time with my husband. I got to spend some quality time just enjoying my daughter. And I found that the other 6 days a week, I was far more productive because I wasn’t do dang drained!

Mama, let me tell you. Give yourself a break. It is worth it. You don’t have to always being going constantly. Rest. Recharge. Reconnect with what truly matters. Your heart and your family with thank you!

Here's what helped me discipline myself to rest:

Plan and schedule your other days.
Set aside time for housework. For me, doing it on Saturdays is working and then I can rest in a clean home on Sundays. It was too hard to rest with the mess screaming at me.
Meal plan and grocery shop on a different day. Plan a meal for your rest day that is no-fuss! Think Crockpot, Instant pot, etc. Prep the day before, or even better…order takeout!
Remind yourself as much as you need to that you need the rest!
If you work from your phone like I do, put it down! Get that thing away from you! Turn off notifications. It’s tempting to answer messages and questions, but you know what? They will still be there tomorrow!
PLAN your rest! I know that sounds silly, but in the beginning you may find that it helps to tell yourself in the days leading up that Sunday (or whatever day you choose) that you will get to rest. Make plans with yourself to do something relaxing that day! I chose a book that I had been wanting to start for a while (Homebody by Joanna Gaines!). I knew as soon as we got home from church and the baby went down for her nap that I wanted to curl up in my favorite corner and dig in. Run a bubble bath if that’s your thing. Or flop into your bed and close your dang eyes. If you make plans with yourself, you are more likely to follow through!

Cheesy Chicken and Broccoli Bake (2B Mindset Approved!)

March 1, 2019 Leave a Comment

I started my pregnancy with Addilyn heavier than I wanted to. While I kept things relatively in check during my pregnancy, once she was here I had gained the inevitable baby weight…and it was hanging around. Desperate for something that would work without compromising our breastfeeding relationship, I was more than a little excited when I found the 2B Mindset program! I was able to lose over 50lbs while breastfeeding, and without having to eat like a rabbit or work out (who has time for that with a newborn?!). I will share a lot more about that in it’s own post, but I wanted to give you guys one of my favorite recipes that I created. It is so dangerously good that it doesn’t even feel like you are eating healthy! To save your scroll finger, I will get on with it! Here ya go:

Cheesy Chicken and Broccoli Bake

Servings: 4-5
Time: 1 hr
Difficulty: easy
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Ingredients
* 2 pounds skinless boneless chicken breasts
* 1 tablespoon olive oil
* 2 10-ounce bags frozen cauliflower rice
* 1 16-ounce bag frozen broccoli cuts, or a head or two fresh broccoli! You can’t go wrong with too much!
* 2 large eggs, whisked
* 3 cups, shredded mozzarella cheese
* 2 teaspoons coarse sea salt
* 2 teaspoons garlic powder
* 2 teaspoons onion powder
* 2 tablespoons butter, melted
* 1 cup shredded Italian blend cheese

Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 400°F. Spray a large 3-quart baking dish with non-stick cooking spray or olive oil and set aside. I personally do the whole thing in my cast iron skillet so that it only takes one pan! If you do that, you can skip the baking dish part!
2. Slice chicken breasts into small pieces and sauté in olive oil until they are mostly cooked through.
3. While the chicken is cooking, cook two bags of frozen cauliflower rice according to package instructions. (If you are really fancy, you could rice your own cauliflower. But I don’t have time for that business!).
4. Add cut up broccoli florets to pan with the chicken. I use a big bag of pre-cut florets, but you can cut up a head of broccoli, or steam a 16 oz bag of frozen! If you are cooking fresh broccoli, add a little water to the pan and cook until mostly soft.
5. In a large bowl, add cooked cauliflower rice, broccoli, chicken, eggs, mozzarella cheese, salt, garlic powder, onion powder and butter. Toss together until fully combined. (If you used a skillet, mix everything except for the broccoli and chicken which are already in the pan, and then add the mixture to the pan!
6. Transfer casserole mixture to the prepared baking dish (or just leave in your skillet!) and top with the remaining Italian blend cheese.
7. Bake for 35-40 minutes, until the cheese on top has fully melted and started to brown slightly. Let cool for 10 and then eat as much as you want!

“This Is Not a Viable Pregnancy”

March 1, 2019 Leave a Comment

Hi, my name is Katie and I am about to get super real and vulnerable with you. This is a story that is so central to our story— but it is not the sum of our story.

See, when my husband and I got married we decided that we wanted to wait a few years to start our family. Those few years came and went, and during that time through a series of events (more on that!) I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). At the time, I had no idea what that would mean for my health but also our process of getting pregnant. Once our pre-determined timeframe had come and gone (5 years-isn’t it funny how we think we can plan these things??), we did not start right away with aggressively trying to get pregnant. Instead, we sort of just stopped trying NOT to. Over the years I took my fair share of random pregnancy tests, always getting excited when i saw a faint indent line, only to be heartbroken when my period came. If you have ever been TTC (trying to conceive), you know this cycle well. Hope, excitement, planning, despair. And on to the next month.

Fast forward to an October evening in 2016. We had just settled into our new home in the mountains, my in-laws were visiting from Indiana, the Cowboys were beating the Packers on the TV in our living room, and everything was just GOOD. I had been feeling a little off, but irregular periods are just a thing when you have PCOS. I snuck into our bedroom and on a whim took a pregnancy test. Imagine my literal shock when two very dark pink lines popped up immediately.

Shaking and crying, I called Michael on his cell phone and told him to get into the bathroom because I needed him. Thinking I needed some toilet paper, he came in and found me in my emotional mess. We called my mother-in-law in and showed her the tests. Our whole family rejoiced. The next day we drove 30 minutes to a little boutique that I love and i purchased the most perfect baby journal. We spent the weekend in a glow. Our waiting had paid off and our miracle baby had just come into our lives all on its own, in its own time.

That Monday I called our OB-GYN office and told them I had gotten some positive tests. We went in for an ultrasound and they told us it was early, but there was definitely a fetal sac. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound for the next week and went on about or way.

My parents came for a visit and I laid out a spread of baby proof on the guest bed to surprise them. More celebrating, more screaming for joy, more happiness.

On a Tuesday in late October, my husband and I drove an hour (mountain life!) to have our follow up ultrasound, with a fun date day planned for afterward. We were seeing a different doctor within our practice, and we anxiously waited in a simple exam room. He came in, introduced himself and dimmed the lights. After a few minutes of searching around with the machine, 6 little words shattered my whole world. “This is not a viable pregnancy.” Everything he said and tried to show me after those words fell on deaf ears. Surely this is a mistake. Surely its just earlier than we think. Surely my weird cycles and inability to date ovulation are throwing things off. Let’s schedule a follow up. Let’s check again. Have a different doctor look.

So we went home. We prayed. We cried. We confided in family and close friends. We told ourselves that we would see a heartbeat at that next ultrasound and everything would be okay. That was the longest week of my life. I tried to cling to hope. I journaled in the baby’s journal and spoke and sang over it.

But sitting in a very similar exam room one week later, our worst fears were confirmed. Our new (and now favorite) doctor was behind the machine this time. He was patient and understanding, explaining everything to me. The empty hole where my baby should have been developing and thriving was a perfect match for the hole I felt in my heart.

We were given the option to go home and wait for spontaneous miscarriage. But because my body was still carrying this pregnancy a week later, we were also given the option of a DNC. Ultimately, I chose to go that route. To just try and get some closure.

The morning of the DNC I begged my doctor to check “just one more time.” Being the fantastic, Godly man that he is, he obliged. Without making me look, he confirmed that the pregnancy was not going to continue. He prayed over us (side note: find you a doctor who will do that!), the nurses sedated me, and we went forward with the procedure. I hope to share more about that in another post, at another time. Then it was home to grieve and heal.

I know that was an incredibly long post, and if you are still with me, kudos to you! I share all of this with you so that you will know our story. It is the root of so much of what this blog will be. Our journey through loss, faith, anger, heartbreak, healing, and trying again. Our journey growing and raising our sweet rainbow baby. Our journey into the wild world of parenthood. It is a part of me and I hope that I can use it for some good in this world— to share what helped us in hopes that it will help some of you.

Welcome to my little corner of the internet! Its great to share with you.