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They don’t tell you that losing a pregnancy, especially your first, changes things. They don’t warn you that it robs you of your innocence. That it makes you painfully and keenly aware of how fragile life is and how truly miraculous it is when a life is created. And how quickly it can be taken away.
They don’t tell you about the fear to look at the pregnancy tests. They don’t caution you that you will feel hesitant to get excited. That your extreme and utter joy will also come with a very healthy dose of anxiety, and fear of getting attached. Fear of telling anyone, just in case things don’t work out. Fear of what your doctor will say at your appointment.
They don’t tell you about how you will obsess over blood work and levels. That you will spend hours on end googling other people’s hormones on the same day as yours and freak out at the discrepancies. That you will insist on doing every little thing possible to try and sustain your pregnancy. (Thank God for a patient and understanding physician that walked me through this process!)
They don’t warn you that you won’t be able to breathe at your first ultrasound. That you will literally have to force yourself to look at the screen. And that even once you have seen that little blip of a baby, you will still be afraid to believe that it’s real. That you will be afraid to get attached, no matter how much prayer you have covered this child with.
They don’t tell you that you will keep that nervous, panicky feeling for every ultrasound the entire pregnancy. That you will feel guilty about that nervousness because you are a believer and you are supposed to just trust that it will all be okay. That you will obsess over your baby’s heart beat and making sure it stays within an acceptable range. (Side note: a home fetal doppler did wonders for my anxiety! It was hit or miss finding her until about 14-15 weeks but it made things SO much easier! We had one very similar to this one and it was worth every cent! Here’s another great, but more cost efficient, one! )
They don’t warn you that your anatomy scan will literally feel like an eternity. That you will be ridiculously anxious that something will be wrong. That you will count the days until your child reaches the point of viability like they are the longest days of your life. Or that days where your baby is less active will send you into a tailspin.
They also don’t tell you the immeasurable gratitude that you will feel. That the symptoms that most pregnant women complain about will be beautiful signs that your prayers have been answered. That your little miracle is thriving inside of you. And it will make those hard days when you feel like you could throw up for hours so much easier. That you will be oddly grateful for every ache and pain and pinch and pull.
They don’t tell you how much more you will appreciate every little thing. Every milestone. Every passing week and new experience. Every kick and hiccup. The first time your husband can feel her sweet movements. Because you know what it feels like to want those things and lose. You will cherish every single day just a little bit more than the last.
They don’t tell you how much this experience will carry you through labor. It will make each contraction welcome, as it brings you closer and closer to meeting your miracle.
They don’t tell you that all of your waiting and your pain makes it so, SO much more sweet the moment that you hear that first cry. That they lay that tiny, warm body on your chest. The rush of relief that everyone is okay. They don’t warn you that all of those emotions will rush back to you in that first meeting and that all you will be able to feel is the most perfect and complete love. That the pain of your past will carry you through the hard parts (hello, sleepless nights!). That every anxious moment will be worth it. They don’t tell you, and they should! So I will.
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