To the Woman Who is Waiting

Sweet friend, I see you. I see you grieving as you scroll social media, watching all of your friends have the very thing that you desire the most. I see your pain at the memory of your sweet child born to heaven. Or your pain as you wait for what seems like forever to even see those two pink lines. I see you with each month that passes. I see you as you track your cycles with meticulous accuracy, taking your temperature and wasting hours Googling symptoms.

I see you as you count down the days. I see you as you take test after test, holding them up to the light and convincing yourself that you see a faint line. I see you as you make plans for how you will tell your spouse and family, thinking SURELY this is your month! I see you as your dreams are shattered when the harsh reality hits that it will not be happening this time around. I see you as you watch those hopes bleed away. I see you as you pick yourself up and steel yourself to start the vicious circle all over again.

I see you when you feel like you are losing your mind. When you feel like maybe you should just give up. When the fertility medicine doesn’t seem to be working. When you hate your body for betraying you and making it so damn hard, when it is so easy for everyone else. 

 I see you when your friends announce a pregnancy and it crushes your heart. I see you when you wrestle with jealousy. I see you when you feel the overwhelming weight of guilt over that jealousy and wonder why on earth you can’t just be happy for your loved ones? I see you when people ask when you are having children, and its all you can do not to burst into tears.

I see you on Mother’s Day. I see you on your due date. I see you as you attend baby showers and birthday parties. I see you when you struggle with being content with what you have. 

I see you. I see you because I was you. I may have my beautiful rainbow baby now, but I have not forgotten where you are. I promise that one day, it will all work out. But until then, you are known, you are loved and you are not forgotten, even if only by me.