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Kisses + Caffeine

Sharing my journey as a mother, wife, homemaker, Jesus girl, entrepreneur and all things in between!

Encouragement, Motherhood, Pregnancy

Coping After Miscarriage

March 7, 2019      4 Comments

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This post may contain affiliate links, but all opinions are my own! Read my full disclaimer here !

Grief and loss are a very personal thing, and no two people deal with them the same way. This post is in no way me giving you a magic pill for how to grieve. Rather it is me sharing what carried me through the darkest valley of my life and the things that pulled me through that dark place. (If you are just joining us, you can read more about our miscarriage here.)

First of all, don’t you dare let ANYONE tell you how to deal with your loss. If you choose to keep it private, that is completely normal and okay! I personally chose to share our story with the world in hopes that I could be a light to others that were going through the same thing, and I am very glad I did. God brought me to this place for a season and for a reason, and helping others has given it meaning. But I will offer one word of caution- people will give you advice, some great and some bad. People will try to say things to help but they will say the wrong things. It will sting at times. Public or private, that is your personal choice. I found a lot of relief in talking about it. 

The second thing I will tell you is to take your time and allow yourself to feel those feelings. No matter how early or late in the pregnancy your miscarriage was, you still lost a child. You lost your hopes and dreams for that child and your life together. Never, ever let anyone tell you it was not a loss. Unfortunately, the only way to get past grief is to walk through the mud. Allow yourself time. Allow yourself space to deal with your emotions. Seek closure. 

When my heart was ready, I sat down and surrounded myself with things that brought me comfort. A fresh salted caramel candle, a warm caramel apple spice drink (get my recipe here!), a cozy blanket and some chocolate (because that makes all things a little easier). I decided to finish up my baby’s journal. Obviously I couldn’t fill the entire pregnancy out, but I did what I could. And then I wrapped it up by writing my child a goodbye letter. I got all of my thoughts and feelings out on paper and I felt the weight lifting as I wrote through my tears. I had been carrying them heavy in my heart and it felt like a release getting them off of my chest. I highly recommend this, be it in a journal or just a letter that you can write and seal. When I was finished, I boxed up all of the things that I associated with this pregnancy (tests, ultrasounds, cards, a little stuffed animal, this journal, etc) and placed that box under my nightstand. It kept things close enough for those moments when I just wanted to look at it all and feel, but out of sight so that I could actually function. 

I sought out and found a few quotes that were helpful for my heart and kept those nearby. I leaned in to friends and family who had been where I was. I leaned in to my husband. Please, don’t forget your husband in your grief. In most cases, he is grieving just as much as you are but may not show it in the same way. 

I spent a lot of time angry, but I think that is part of it that you just have to work through. There isn’t a wrong way to grieve, it’s something we all must do. It’s part of life.

I spent weeks scouring Pinterest for ways to honor my sweet babe. What I ultimately landed on was getting a tiny heart tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It seemed like the best way to keep my baby with me forever, because they will always be a part of me. Maybe tattoos aren’t your cup of tea? I have listed a few other ideas that I loved below! If you have experienced loss and feel led, share with us what you did in the comments.

  • Plant a tree in your baby’s honor. Or an entire garden!
  • Create a keepsake box (I personally did this!) that you keep in a special place. 
  • Make (or buy) an ornament for your Christmas tree. I was gifted one and it is very special to us!
  • Write a letter to your baby. Share your feelings. Express your love and your pain.
  • Release a balloon or sky lantern. I have seen some tie their letter to their baby to these.
  • Have a custom jewelry piece made with a special quote, your baby’s due date, or even their name if you had given them one. My sister created me the piece in the photo at the top of this page and it is very precious to me.
  • Create a shadow box, if you feel like having a daily visual would help you! For me, having it in my face was too painful, but I love the idea.
  • Have a photographer do a special, private photoshoot to capture your unique experience. 
  • Get involved! Share your story. Find organizations that support other moms in the same situation. Volunteer or raise funds. Honor your baby with a legacy.
  • Make a playlist that helps you cope and listen to it in those moments when you need it the most.
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Comments

  1. Debbie says

    March 7, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    I read this thru tears. Being Michael’s mom and not being able to take away his pain is the worst part of being a parent. I’m sure Brenda feels the same. It’s great that you are
    helping others who are going through the same process. I love you

    Reply
    • kissesandcaffeine says

      March 7, 2019 at 11:58 pm

      I love you very much! We are so blessed with our sweet Addie!

      Reply
  2. Ashley says

    March 8, 2019 at 2:15 am

    I bought a Willow Tree angel of remembrance and wrote the date on the bottom. I also wrote an email to my sweet baby in heaven and emailed it to myself.

    Reply
    • kissesandcaffeine says

      March 7, 2019 at 11:59 pm

      I love both of those things! Love you very much

      Reply

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Two little girls who think their daddy hung the mo Two little girls who think their daddy hung the moon 🌙 🤍
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Emmarie Faith 🤍. It took us quite a while to se Emmarie Faith 🤍. It took us quite a while to settle on this one, but it couldn’t be more perfect. My Grandma Tucker- who I loved so very much- was named Emma Marie. My Granddaddy lovingly called her ‘Rie. So this name spelling is a special nod to her. Pronounced like “Emory” but spelled with sentiment. We are so excited to meet this sweet girl in just a couple of months!

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We finally have a name for this sweet baby girl 💕! But for fun before I tell you, I’m taking guesses! 👇🏼👇🏼 If anyone gets it right, I’ll pick someone and buy you a cup of coffee! (Friends and fam- If we have already told you, you’re disqualified 😘)
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My midwesterner husband and I arguing over what to My midwesterner husband and I arguing over what to call the fizzy 🫧 drinks. 🤣 There’s always the Aunt/Ant debate, too! What do you call them?? Soda or pop?? 👇🏼
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They may remember, they may not. But this past wee They may remember, they may not. But this past week of memories is something I will cherish for a lifetime, and has been more than worth every penny we saved and worked hard for to make this happen. If you’re on the fence…just take the trip. You will not regret it 🤍
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We had the wildest day 🤍🐅🐆🦓🐘🦒🦬🦏
If you haven’t looked at my stories, it’s been If you haven’t looked at my stories, it’s been a day. Not at all the way I planned this magical first day but very thankful it wasn’t worse. I’ll update more tomorrow when I have the energy on exactly what happened for those asking, but I just want to brag on this man of ours for a second.

He had me for the first maybe 1/3 of our day and then I had to leave him in the park, by himself, with 2 and 4 year old girls. (I wouldn’t let them come sit at the hospital and waste their day unless it became urgent. He tried). 

This guy didn’t miss a beat. He did all of the princess meet and greets, rode all the girly rides, the potty breaks, the snacks, the parades, all of it. He stepped up and made sure our babies still had the time of their lives and got to do pretty much everything that they wanted. And as a mom, that is the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. He is the best dad and leader and I’m so proud he’s mine. And very thankful I was able to rejoin them for the fireworks 🎆 🥰

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